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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.